Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. T. Mason Ms & Randi Kreger

Author:Paul T. T. Mason Ms & Randi Kreger
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9781684036899
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2020-12-01T00:00:00+00:00

Speak sincerely, naturally, and neutrally; avoid being flippant or counterattacking.

Agree with the Possibility That Your Critic Could Be Right

Criticism: “I had an affair. Big deal!”

Response: “Some people might not think it was a big deal if their husband had a affair. But I’m not one of them.”

Criticism: “How can you even suggest not inviting Mom to the party? So she acts a little strange, sometimes. She’s still your mother!”

Response: “Yes, she is still my mother. And some people would invite all their relatives, no matter how they act. But I believe that Mom has a choice about how she wants to behave. If she’s going to choose to say outrageous things that hurt people’s feelings, I don’t feel comfortable inviting her.”

Recognize That the Critic Has an Opinion

Criticism: “Children belong with their mother, not their father. And I know the judge will see it that way too.”

Response: “I can see you have strong opinions about custody. The judge may see it the way you do. Or she may not.”

Criticism: “If anyone has BPD, it’s you, not me.”

Response: “I can see that you disagree with the therapist’s opinion that you have BPD.”

Use Gentle Humor When Appropriate

Criticism: “I can’t believe you forgot to buy charcoal. How are we going to grill the fish?”

Response: “Well, we’ve always been meaning to try sushi” (said without sarcasm).

Practice defusing responses in less threatening situations first. And no matter what happens, congratulate yourself for your efforts.

In this chapter, we’ve given you the foundation you’ll need to make important changes in your relationship with your loved one with BPD. In the next chapter, we’ll show you how to actually discuss this with them. Make sure that you understand the information presented in this chapter thoroughly before you go on.

You should have a clear understanding of the following:

the factors that can trigger BPD behavior, along with the concept that while you may trigger the behavior, you are not to blame for it

how the person with BPD may trigger you with fear, obligation, and guilt

how personal limits (boundaries) help relationships

the personal limits that you would like the person with BPD to observe

the futility of discussing your “rights” to set limits—the question is not about “rights” but about your personal feelings about how you want to be treated

guidelines for good communication

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